ita:
Comic Rewrite Contest at Cyanide & Happiness
Wife listening to her husband talk to himself as he watches 'Oprah's Favorite Things' episode
James: Are they going to scream and cry like this every time Oprah shows them something?
James: Why are they crying?
James: That bag looks like a piece of shit. What are those? Slippers?
James: I thought these shoes were custom made. How are they giving them out without knowing their sizes?
James: ♬ We're fat ladies dancing ♬
James: Oh My God.
James: "Oh mothafucka! A cashmere blanket? OH LAWD!"
*he's quiet for 2 mins, I look over and he's asleep*
Kelly: You can't go to sleep
James: I can't watch this, how can they do this for a whole hour?
James: They should all have to wear the sweaters.
James: Gettin' it! Gettin' it! SOLD! Where's the fucking phone. I want that knife. Isn't that what this is? Get Oprah on the phone.
James: Now everyone gets macaroni and cheese. Gifts are degrading now, they got a $2000 watch 10 mins ago.
James: I hope you're writing this down Kelly. Ghirardelli's Brownie Mix.
James: I'm calling my lawyer. Oprah was looking at me when she just said "You're all getting one"
James: All those ladies are like 'Who the fuck is Jay-Z'
James: "Oh muthafucka, that is some good macaroni and cheese."
James: That lady has no idea what Netflix is, she thinks she just won a movie studio. Look at her crying and making prayer hands! It's $8 a month lady.
James: Did Oprah seriously just say 'my favorite workout pants'
James: Is this show live in Chicago? I wonder how many people got rolled for their stuff when they left.
James: Well that was stupid.
Kelly: What was your favorite thing?
James: When it ended.
I’m amazing at pretending I didn’t notice something, but remembering it forever.
“
| — | (via kellyoxford) |
VAMPIRES
Don’t think too much about it,
or you’ll remember we’ve already seen them age,just enjoy the whole “Are Cage and Travolta Vampires?” thing and let’s hope for more.
USE YOUR EYES, MARTIN. THOSE ARE OBVIOUSLY RAINCLOUDS.
DIANE VON FURSTENBERG MADE ME THIS HAT IN 2006.
SHE MADE IT. FOR ME.
I GET ANGRY WHEN YOU BREATHE ON IT, SO I HIGHLY DOUBT YOU’LL CONVINCE ME TO TAKE IT PUDDLE JUMPING.
WE’RE STAYING IN TONIGHT. CALL KEEN’S AND HAVE THEM READY SOME MUTTON CHOPS. AFTER YOU PICK THEM UP WE’LL WATCH I AM LOVE. IT HAS TILDA SWINTON IN IT. HE’S MY FAVORITE ACTOR.
A GLOBE OF HEAVEN by Salman Rushdie
A celestial globe is a portrait not of the earth but of the skies. Globe-makers in many cultures - Persian, Mayan, Indian, European - over the centuries made many such representations of the heavens and of the pictures they saw there, working in papier-mâché,…
